wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
