I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
