I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
