My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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