I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
