He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
