my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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