im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
