She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
