o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
