eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
