using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
