They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
