you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
