the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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