babies were throwing up all over the place
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
