Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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