The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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