i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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