my text book just quoted the cookie monster
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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