you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
