He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
