just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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