I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
