God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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