i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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