Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
