someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
