I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
