I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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