If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
