my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Your cock deserves a montage
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
