Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
