Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
