my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
