I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
should my penis look like a turkey
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
