you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
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