Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Two words: blizzard sex
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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