She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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