Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
