I could have mohawked her pubes.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
