My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
