I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
