all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
