It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
