party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
