I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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