I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
