Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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