Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He better not be in your backpack
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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